Sales Employee's Daily Routine:

9.30am: Good Morning Boss

11.00am: Will do it Boss

12.00pm: At Tea Stall, Kaha Jaau Kuchh Samaj Nahi Aa Raha

2.00pm: Haan Boss Market Mein Hun, Thodi Dikkat Hai Par Kar Lunga

4.00pm: Aa Gaya usKa Wapus Phone

6.00pm: Abb Iss Pagal Ko Kya Boloo??? Business Kya Ped Pe Latak Raha Hai ..

7.00pm: Bas Phone Karle itnahi expert hai to Khud Aake Kar Le

7.30pm: Aaga Phir se Boos Ka Phone,Isske Phone Ke Chkkar Mein Dukaan Bandh Ho Jayegi, Chal Daaru Peete Hein, Kal Dekhege Kya Kerna Hai 

Next day 9:30am: Good Morning Boss, Will Do it Boss,
Kal Ka Shortfall Bhi Cover Ho Jayega Boss !!!

The Shortest Horror Story

The shortest Horror story: . .

  

A husband kills his wife while their 5 yr old son was still sleeping.

The weird thing was that the kid didn't ask for his mom even 3 days after she went missing.

Father: Is there something u want to ask me?

Kid: I just wonder why mom is always standing behind your back ?? :)

Shoe & Foot

What did the shoe and the foot do on their first date?
They walked together.


I feel most embarrassed when I am left open -
Confessions of a shoe lace


What is a foot with a loose character called?
FOOT LOOSE


Walk a mile with a smile


Once, a foot said to the shoe
'You complete me'


Stiletto caught sneaking out with the boot -
SHOE BIZZ

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife.... "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. 


He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,"Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. 


So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.
" You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it   


Share this with every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women !!!

Do not stick with one job for a long time!

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.


The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on
the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.


For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said:


"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the hell out of me!".


The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap
would scare you so much."


The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first
day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for last
25 years...


MORAL: Do not stick with one job for a long time!

Project Gita Saransh

Who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

"Moral : There is 'something' important in life than Work and General Knowledge ;-). "

Cracking the Human Resource Code

COMPETITIVE SALARYMost of our competitors don't pay much either.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"You'll be here very late, very often -- might as well be comfortable.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"Your first four projects are already way overdue.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"Did we mention that you'll be here very late, very often? And most weekends.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"Female applicants must be childless.

"APPLY IN PERSON"If you're old, fat or ugly, that position has already been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"This job listing is just a legal formality. The position was filled by some executive's nephew.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"Due to consolidation, you'll be replacing three people.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"This company is a total mess.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"You'll have all the responsibilities of upper management, without the pay, title or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"Listen to management, figure out what they want, don't ask too many questions and get the sh*t done.

It's About HR

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman."Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and Standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her.They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner, and also danced away.

She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a Good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.

"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity,"

The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks.

The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her."I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told.....

"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

Economic Humor ... Suuuuuuuuperb!!

In a small town on the South Coast of France, the holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business taking place.

Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.

* The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.
* The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.
* The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
* The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.
* The prostitute quickly goes to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room used to entertain clients.

At that moment, the rich Russian comes down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone no longer has any debt and the small town's people look optimistically towards their future.

Could this be the solution to the global financial crisis? ;)

Letter to Bill Gates From Banta Singh

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab.
We have bought a computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.
3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.
8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.
9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when u will provide that?

Best regards,
Banta Singh

Parrots

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed. "But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house.

The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want a date?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!"

Why do boys go to temple ?

Becausea temple is the only place where u can find..





?




?



Pooja

Preeti

Bhavana

Shraddha

Aarti

Archana

Aradhana

Shanti

Jyoti

..........

.......

... AND



Finally......TRIPTI.....&.......THEN..........."MUKTI

Phone Bill

The phone bill was exceptionally high and the man of the house called a family meeting...on a Saturday morning...after breakfast...

Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.

Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone

Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile

Maid: So - what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !!!!!!!!!!

Wrong Number

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.

On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"

"No" replied the trainee.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,you IDIOT?"

"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.

"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Einstein-Newton-Pascal

All the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek.

Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........He is supposed to count up to 100...and then start searching.....

Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........

Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.

Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........

Einstein says " Newton's out..Newton's out....."

Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......"

All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.

Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared..... That makes me Newton per meter squared...... Since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......!

Funny Applications

Collection of leave letters and applications written by people
----------
An employee applied for leave as follows:

"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."
----------
From an employee who was performing the first haircut ceremony of his 10 year old son:

"As I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days"
----------
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:

"As I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
----------
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
----------
An employee applied for half day leave as follows:

"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
----------
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."
----------
A leave letter to a headmaster:

"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today"
----------
Another leave letter written to a headmaster:

"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
----------
Covering note: "I am enclosed herewith..."
----------
Another one:

"Dear Sir: With reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
----------
Actual letter written for application of leave:

"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
----------
Right words, wrong usage...

"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."
----------
And here is the ULTIMATE ONE:

"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.

Why Bill Gates decides to Sell OFF Microsoft?

Letter from Banta Singh to Mr. Bill Gates

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates, We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot to trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will povide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Banta

Last one to Mr. Bill Gates:
Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

Reason why never visit a 5 * Hotel

Question : " What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please "
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ? "
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey? "
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst"

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish.
The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other.
One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself."
The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish.
After a tense silence, the first one said, "Really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!"
The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"